I'm Sorry - The Power of Words

 

I was watching a news report this week about how women apologize more than men, and by doing so they undermine their authority.   And you know what?  They are right.  Not that I don't think apologizing is important...it absolutely is...but only when the situation calls for it.

 

I think women do this to seem more accessible, or softer, or maybe just to be polite.  I think those are all very nice things, but for me, where it gets tricky is in the workplace.  As I lead or guide people, I need to present an authoritative and confident front.

 

I wrote down some of the phrases I want to try and excise from my daily language.

 

I hate to say this but.... (then don't say it, or just say it without qualification)

 

To be honest... (does this mean that you aren't normally honest?)

 

Just ("I just wanted to check with you...", "I just wanted to make sure...", "I just...", "I just...", etc.  The implication is that you are asking for permission and, therefore, are subservient.  I am never subservient, so I should make sure my language exemplifies that as well.)

 

I am sorry (A good example from the news report.  A woman at a restaurant orders a salad with Ranch dressing but receives a salad with Blue Cheese dressing.  The woman says, "I am sorry, but I ordered a salad with Ranch dressing."  For what does she have to be sorry?  We all do this, you know we do.)

 

You know what I mean? (This implies that you are not confident in how you presented your message.  Far better to work on the authority and confidence in which you speak instead.)

 

 

"In an Atlantic article “The Confidence Gap,” the authors state: “A lack of confidence informs a number of familiar female habits. Take the penchant many women have for assuming the blame when things go wrong, while crediting circumstance—or other people—for their successes. (Men seem to do the opposite.)” One way women tend to assume blame? By over-apologizing."

 

Additionally, by over apologizing, women can slowly erode at their feelings of self-worth.  Why should we have to apologize for having an idea, a question, a problem?  Why should we apologize for taking up space?  We shouldn't.

 

 

Now this is not to say that a heartfelt apology or act of contrition is always a sign of weakness.  On the contrary, the ability to truly and genuinely apologize to someone for a legitimate wrong, is a beautiful thing.  But, just like the overuse and abuse of the word love ("Oh I love that person" or that person, or that random actor, or that mediocre song or film or place...instead of saving such a powerful word for those things that are truly worthy of our love), the overuse and abuse of the word sorry, cheapens the moment and comes across as disingenuous.

 

I am resolved to try to break myself of this habit; I am sure it will not be easy though.  I feel the compulsion to over apologize has probably been ingrained in the female psyche for centuries.  But I am willing to give it a try.

 

 

 

 

 



Phenomenal Woman

I just read that the poet Maya Angelou has died.  I have long admired her work, in fact I used to carry a copy of the poem Phenomenal Woman in my Franklin Planner.   Yes...I know...don't we all long for those Franklin Planner days?  No?  Maybe it is just a Virgo/OCD thing. 

She lived a varied and interesting life, which was born out of struggle and hardship.  Read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings sometime if you get a chance.  She was a singer, dancer, actress, poet, author, the first black woman to direct in Hollywood...a Mother, a Daughter, a Friend.  She was the inspiration for Presidents - Republican and Democrat.  She was wise and kind and full of love. 

If you get a chance check out some of her works.  But in the meantime, please enjoy my two favorite poems below.

 

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

 

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

The Power of Words

 

I am not perfect by any means, but I do believe in the power of words, and I try daily to live my life in such a way that the words I use bring light rather than darkness. 

 

This is good reminder. 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, today is Holocaust Remembrance Day.  Read about this year's days of remembrance theme here if you have some time.

 

http://www.ushmm.org/remember/days-of-remembrance/about-days-of-remembrance