I'm Sorry - The Power of Words

 

I was watching a news report this week about how women apologize more than men, and by doing so they undermine their authority.   And you know what?  They are right.  Not that I don't think apologizing is important...it absolutely is...but only when the situation calls for it.

 

I think women do this to seem more accessible, or softer, or maybe just to be polite.  I think those are all very nice things, but for me, where it gets tricky is in the workplace.  As I lead or guide people, I need to present an authoritative and confident front.

 

I wrote down some of the phrases I want to try and excise from my daily language.

 

I hate to say this but.... (then don't say it, or just say it without qualification)

 

To be honest... (does this mean that you aren't normally honest?)

 

Just ("I just wanted to check with you...", "I just wanted to make sure...", "I just...", "I just...", etc.  The implication is that you are asking for permission and, therefore, are subservient.  I am never subservient, so I should make sure my language exemplifies that as well.)

 

I am sorry (A good example from the news report.  A woman at a restaurant orders a salad with Ranch dressing but receives a salad with Blue Cheese dressing.  The woman says, "I am sorry, but I ordered a salad with Ranch dressing."  For what does she have to be sorry?  We all do this, you know we do.)

 

You know what I mean? (This implies that you are not confident in how you presented your message.  Far better to work on the authority and confidence in which you speak instead.)

 

 

"In an Atlantic article “The Confidence Gap,” the authors state: “A lack of confidence informs a number of familiar female habits. Take the penchant many women have for assuming the blame when things go wrong, while crediting circumstance—or other people—for their successes. (Men seem to do the opposite.)” One way women tend to assume blame? By over-apologizing."

 

Additionally, by over apologizing, women can slowly erode at their feelings of self-worth.  Why should we have to apologize for having an idea, a question, a problem?  Why should we apologize for taking up space?  We shouldn't.

 

 

Now this is not to say that a heartfelt apology or act of contrition is always a sign of weakness.  On the contrary, the ability to truly and genuinely apologize to someone for a legitimate wrong, is a beautiful thing.  But, just like the overuse and abuse of the word love ("Oh I love that person" or that person, or that random actor, or that mediocre song or film or place...instead of saving such a powerful word for those things that are truly worthy of our love), the overuse and abuse of the word sorry, cheapens the moment and comes across as disingenuous.

 

I am resolved to try to break myself of this habit; I am sure it will not be easy though.  I feel the compulsion to over apologize has probably been ingrained in the female psyche for centuries.  But I am willing to give it a try.